Relationships can get messy. In fact, they float our messes right up to the surface. They force us to look at the parts of ourselves that we are not comfortable with. We can become angry, jealous, and even mean. Every emotion we feel is justified, but looking at the root of where that emotion is stemming from is what brings us justice.
Our past is there. It happened. Whether it’s decorated with accolades, approval, and applause or magnified with defeat, destruction, and destitution it is ours. No one can change it. No one can make it disappear. We can only learn to accept it and stop letting it define us. In sharing our stories with others we are taking a risk. We never know how one may react. When revealing our personal history to another; we hope the events of our life and how they have shaped us will be the moral of our story, but this isn’t always the case.
When you know who you truly are no one else’s opinion will shake you, not even your partner’s; no matter how deep of a love you share.
I personally have struggled with this myself, especially having a lot of my life publicized via the web. I was a very naughty girl in my heyday. In my last serious relationship I held back every dirty detail. I rarely shared who I used to be with my partner because I was afraid of being judged. In the following short lived relationship I made the mistake over-sharing. I thought that since I did not share everything in the previous relationship I would unload my shit right away and just be done with it. I can be a bold little betty, but this was the wrong move. My shit piled up so high he couldn’t see over it and in to the beauty of who I had become. I had yet to introduce myself to these two cool little life altering tools called acceptance and boundaries. I found myself wallowing in my past while my partner psycho-analyzed every move I made. I was miserable and our relationship ended abruptly.
I now have found myself a very open, caring, accepting, and loving man who sees my past as mere events. (because they are) Most of the ones I carried with deep shame he has made me realize were completely out of my control. He builds me up. The events I could control and areas where I made bad decisions he simply laughs off with me and says, “Hunnnnnnnnnny why you do that??” (insert smiley winky face with the tongue out) Our relationship is about the moment, this moment, because it is all we really have isn’t it? He and I do our best to stay in the moment together and enjoy each other completely.
I am a mentor. When working with others on relationship difficulties, I tend to find clarity myself. It’s one of the mysterious ways God, the Universe, Source, (or what/whoever you believe in) speaks to me. So, I listen.
Recently a client was struggling with concerns in her relationship regarding her partner’s lack of acceptance of her past which resulted in severely damaging their relationship. After some digging we uncovered and shone light on what it takes to be in relationship with an evolved woman.
Here is my response to my lovely, evolving, beautiful client:
Before you charge your emotions with a knee jerk reaction to his judgments ask yourself if you have truly and fully accepted your past? Are you able to look at your wounds and see the wisdom they’ve instilled in you? Acceptance starts with you. It seems to me that you have indeed accepted and honored your past by what you’ve shared with me. That in itself proves your inner growth and sustained stability. Once we fully embrace our worthiness we can move into forgiveness. Once we fully accept and forgive ourselves it is inevitable that other’s will accept us as well. Life can get messy, but you my dear are not a mess.
First off, who wasn’t reckless and irresponsible in their twenties? Hell, those adjectives described me to a T from age 13 to at least 27. At leeeeeeast. So don’t be so hard on yourself sweetness. We’ve all done shit we aren’t proud of. That’s called LIFE. What matters most is if a lesson unfolded for you on the other end. What I read in your reach to me is that the lesson was a hard, but was indeed learned. Now you feel judged by the one person who should hold you in his highest regard.
The thing about love is it IS openness. When you allow yourself to remain open love flows freely. When a lover lashes out at you with vicious criticism your heart feels slashed and wounded. Eventually your heart closes in order to protect itself and feel less vulnerable. Please don’t close your heart hunny. You did the hard-earned work to get your heart to this capacity of openness. It takes strength to share those vulnerabilities. I know your heart wants to rightfully guard itself in fear, but now is the time to stand tall. Feel the pain and remain open instead of closing in anger and helplessness. These stories have shaped WHO YOU ARE NOW. He will see this once he learns to accept the facts as mere details to the story. The heroine of your story is you and he chose you. Remind him that this relationship is a choice.
The fact that he is choosing judgment over acceptance is condemning the very thing that brought you two together, your LOVE. How he manages himself through the hardships of your relationship will be telling of whether or not he is equipped to be with an evolved woman. This is where you need to stand in your truth. You’ve shared, been open, honest, and loving. The real question lies in if he is well equipped? The hard-to-swallow truth is people can only meet us as far as they’ve met themselves.
There is a profound sense of honor to be found in the evolved woman. She’s been through it all. Nothing can shock her. All she expects is love and acceptance of who she is because it took her a hell of a lot of hardships to realize that she deserves it. There is a mystery in her essence. She is a dynamic force that feeds your needs and intrigues your desire. The evolved woman is captivating, opinionated, unapologetically layered, a mixture of emotions, yet able to express sincerely. She faces her faults with gratitude because they have matured her reaction to life. Hold that head up high darling. You’ve earned it.
All in all, your past shaped who you’ve become, but only you and your partner have the power to shape what your relationship will take from this. Each and every one of us is famously flawed from head to toe. Congratulations darling, you’re fucked up too! I think you’ve cleaned up quite nicely, but what needs a little more dusting is your partner’s belief system.
Sounds to me like your relationship is evolving and thankfully you are well equipped to handle this hardship. Continue working on who you are and what you bring to the table. That’s all we can ever do. We are always evolving.
Don’t doubt your truth, ever.