If our emotions are our compass then where am I going when I feel absolutely nothing? I am not sad. I am not happy.
I don’t feel excitement nor depression.
Someone said that I should take a holiday. Traveling has always been my escape. This tactic has carried me through my life. I learned after 2 months on a tiny island in Thailand that no matter how far the beach is that I run to, I find myself with the same crashing waves inside my head.
Today, I’m here. In Los Feliz. No running. No waves. No crashing. Nothing.
I don’t want a boyfriend, a fancy career, a suburban full of children, or to buy a house with a white picketed fence. Not interested. Nothing.
I usually have at least two men I’m communicating with on some level, but recently I decided that I don’t want back burner love. Not even sure if I want all-consuming, can’t live without you love. No one. Nothing.
Books that usually inspire me leave me hollow.
Friends that typically make me laugh have me staring blankly.
Music that normally moves my soul holds me motionless.
I’m not sure where this nothingness is leading me. I do know when I look at the face of a cheerful infant in the supermarket and have no reaction of either rolling my eyes in annoyance or glimmering with adoration, instead nothing… No reaction. Change is on the brink.
I don’t even feel guilty for having no feeling. Nothing.
I am seeking a rebirth. Not because it’s a new year, but because it’s nothing. No reaction is requiring my attention.
I’m a woman who loves hard and feels deeply. Always. I’ve never not felt. I’m not sure what do do with this, but I’m willing to find out.
My life’s work is to exist transparently. Living out loud with my pain, my joy, and my nothing is what I do. It’s my jam.
We have to be comfortable with the nothing in preparation for the something(s) coming our way.
Whatever that may be, bring it.