“Just keepin it together.” That’s what a girlfriend and I were unsuccessfully doing while halluncinating on mushrooms in Mexico last 4th of July. Trying to keep our body parts together because when you’re trippin balls you’re flinging your parts in all different directions. Trying to paste our thoughts together from the scattered bliss that had transpired in our minds. Trying to keep it together because we didn’t want our not so high friends to know we were ripped off our asses. We kept looking at each other intently and saying, “Just keep it together!”
We go through this life trying so desperately to keep it together. Is there really a right or wrong path? I’m not too sure, but I do know that the people who aren’t trying so hard to figure it out and are just living are the ones that I admire the most. That particular day my friend looked at me with enlarged pupils and said, “No one’s ever gonna marry me like this…” We now laugh at this notion considering how high we were and dear God, I hope no one would marry either one of us in that condition. Yet, the truth is somewhere deep down I think she actually believed it. Hallucinogens or not.
As I approach 30 in the coming months I find that I have weak moments where I doubt I’m on the right track. I feel pressure from friends, family, and society to find “The One.” Why haven’t I found this soul mate thing everyone keeps raving about? I think about the possibility that I might never find this magic man which then leads me to the heart breaking thought that I may not ever be a mother. I mean, I guess I could freeze my eggs, but that doesn’t sound very magical. I’m one of the few left standing in my close circle of girlfriends that hasn’t experienced these life altering moments. I have conversations with my married friends about my current dating situation(s) and they squeal with terror and say things like, “I do not envy the dating life!” Umm excuse me? I have to bite my sharp tongue frequently. I don’t think my single life is any better than their married life. So why does it seem that I’m constantly being put down for the fact that I’m not married? It seems that one of the first things friends ask me while catching up is, “So, are you seeing anyone?” There’s so much pressure from everyone to get wifed up. Sometimes I think my friends want me to get married more than I want to. Listen up ladies: Just because I haven’t walked down the aisle doesn’t mean I don’t know how to walk.
I walk hard. I’ve felt sparks. I’ve fallen in love quickly and out of love even quicker. I’ve had crushes and I’ve had long-lasting lovers. I’ve done blind dates, tinder dates, and bump into you naturally here’s my number dates. I’ve made love and I’ve fucked. All of my experiences have been extremely rewarding and liberating, but I have yet to find a partner who values what I value. I haven’t found smooth sailing compatibility. I rank high in the love department because love is an emotional process. I’m all kinds of emotions always. Compatibility on the other hand is a logical process. As much as I love love, I’m not going to take a dump on my practicality and find myself in a dysfunctional relationship. I’ve had friends tell me that I’m a heart breaker, but let’s be real, am I supposed to have a meaningful connection with every single man that I date? If I did, I’d be married 20 times over already. My journey has been bumpy, but my journey should be respected, not chastised.
Love is the ultimate destination, is it not? It’s the reason we move everyday. It’s the reason we get up and fight through the bad. It’s the reason we keep going, trudging on, meeting person after person. It’s the last goal, the final frontier. The funny thing about love is it isn’t infinite. It can be found in a moment, a single dose, or a fleeting romance. It can be a year of perfect love with someone who isn’t supposed to stay in your life. It can be in the Hawaiian beaches that bring you peace. It can be in that first bite of a spicy jack quesadilla and over with its last. Love isn’t defined by its length, but by its capacity to touch and change you.
I have been strong enough to walk away from finished love so I can find new love. I’ve had to flee the suffocation that comes with stifled love and keep my meager heart open for more. I will never settle. I will never give into the idea that I can not have another love. I am willingly evolving and transforming into new versions of myself daily. I want to build a life with someone. I want a partner. Someone who’s happy to see me when I get home, but not at the expense of dignity. My lifestyle is a choice and I like my choices. As I choose at this point in my life to walk alone it’s not because I’m damaged or cursed, but that I have yet to find what sustains me in a partnership. Whether you’re single, married, or not giving a fuck either way and shrooming with your friends on a Mexican beach, just do you. You’re fabulous darling. I’m still learning love and having an amazing time while doing so. I’m just, you know, “keepin it together.”