I don’t know what it is, I must just have a face that people feel safe telling their problems to. I do know that I have a heart that does not judge, no matter the circumstances. It’s a gift that I treasure. I feel the most powerful when I’m emotionally connecting with someone. Anyone.
I have a friend that has come to me quite a few times worried about her mental state of mind. She had become an expert at self diagnosing depression among other mental illnesses. Worried about where she was letting her mind take her, she confided in me. I do not believe I have all of the answers or that I am a psychologist by any means, but I do know I have a lot of personal experience changing my own self sabotaging thoughts and channeling that energy positively.
As a teen I could never seem to get out of my own head. Not much has changed now except I enjoy being there these days. In my younger years I struggled with depression and some days could barely make myself get out of bed. The only way my mother knew to help me was to take me to the doctor and what do doctors do? Push pills. I have tried every single antidepressant on the market. Of course some helped, but the overall outcome is that drugs don’t do anything for me but mask the problem and numb the pain that needs healing. I learned years later that the only thing that would make me feel better is eating healthy, exercise, and Loving myself.
We are obsessed with finding our way towards happiness. We’re all on this mission desperately searching for what is going to turn our lives around and help it all make sense. So much so that we numb ourselves with pills which only separates ourselves from the truth of our divine being. All of the happiness we seek is inside of us. If we just listen. Those nudges, sad moments, and deep emotional pain is urging you to change your story.
After a deep conversation with my friend regarding her deepest fears I couldn’t stop thinking about it with frustration after we hung up. Hearing her cry for help and hopelessness lead me to write these words to her:
“I’ve been thinking….. Who says you’re depressed? Doctors? Google? Conventional thinking? What if you’re just sensitive? What’s wrong with feeling emotion? What if you’re being guided towards your life’s purpose? What if you’re learning to be with yourself. Maybe that’s not easy. Maybe it’s not supposed to be. Because how could you appreciate the good things about yourself without recognizing the bad? Don’t we all contain good and bad? Dark and light? Just like the world experiences day and night. With out the dawn of the morning sunrise how could we appreciate the beauty of the sunset that carries us back into darkness? Do we curse the darkness when the sun sets? No. We just recognize it as darkness and wait for the light to return. It’s simply a cycle in our lives that we appreciate. When did being sensitive and emotional become a bad thing? And who are we listening to for answers? The only answers are inside of you. I’d much rather be full of emotion good and bad than numb and empty. My darkest moments make me appreciate my light. How can you use those dark moments to make you appreciate who you are? Because the truth is we are not perfect. No diagnosis or medication will ever make us perfect and to me that is beautiful. Fearlessly embrace who you are because that’s what makes you imperfectly perfect. If I’m having a bad day and I’m angry how do you react towards me? With compassion?? Turn that compassion towards yourself. Compassionately tell yourself “it’s ok” if we react with compassion towards people who are hurting, suffering, or simply just having a bad day then why can’t we treat ourselves in the same manner? We can. It’s a learning process. Trust it. Hold it in your heart. Never let go of the fact that nothing and everything is wrong with you and that it’s beautiful. Once you realize that your ego is tricking you into believing there is something wrong with you there will be no reason for suicidal thoughts. You’ll be choosing Love instead of fear by being compassionate towards yourself. You’ll see that at some points during an hour, day, week, or month you may feel angry, sad, lonely, and annoyed then all you’ll do is recognize it, allow yourself to feel it, and move forward. Honor yourself. The good and the bad. If you truly love and accept yourself, you’ll love and accept the bad parts too. We’ve been conditioned to think something is wrong with us and that we need to be fixed. Really we just need to accept that we are human and human nature is to feel emotion. We just need to BE. Emotion can be triggered by many things, but none of the emotion nor triggers should be judged. Only evaluated and analyzed. Keep track of your patterns and note your triggers. Since our natural aspiration in life is to be happy, evaluate the bad parts and then put in the work towards the parts that create happiness for you. This is choosing Love. Love and accept yourself as you would others. Remember where attention goes energy flows. So if you’re constantly trying to figure out what is wrong, that is the energy you are generating and putting out into the world. Let’s figure out what’s right. If you’re constantly striving to be happy, even when it’s hard, that’s the energy you’re creating and emanating. Be the example you would want to be if you had a daughter. Give yourself the advice you’d give her if she was feeling depressed. Hug yourself the way you’d hug that little girl. The cheesier the better. It’s cheeseball to the max, but it all comes down to loving and accepting every single part of who we are. By Choosing Love, we’re consiously in the right space to create change. By Being Love we are emanating that high frequency energy. By Making Love we can literally change the world. In being who you really are, you silently give permission to everyone else who’s holding back and afraid to come into their truth. We can change all of humanity one tear drop at a time. By honoring our fears, insecurities, hurts, anger, and standing tall even when we feel chaos inside and can’t stop sobbing. That is what I call Choosing Love. Guess what? We. All. Feel. I love you.”
Being here in Thailand, away from my loved ones for so long and spending a lot of time alone I’ve come to the realization that I am really moody. I am so up and down and the first few weeks here I was really hard on myself about it. I kept trying to understand why I’m this way. Even going as far as asking my Mom and friends if this is how I’ve always been. They say it’s what makes me cute. That just annoyed me, go figure. Self actualization is pretty freaking rad if you ask me. Instead of judging myself for being so moody, I’ve learned to accept that that is just who I am. I think this conversation with my friend came at a time when I also needed to hear all of the wisdom that is inside of me. Sometimes we just forget to listen. I invite you to listen with love and acceptance and trust that everything is always working towards your greater good.
Choose Love. Be Love. Make Love. Always.